I’d forgotten how to breathe. Shallow intakes were all I seemed to have time for and I had to intentionally fill my lungs and slowly exhale. My nerve endings felt exposed, my stomach knotted, and it was all I could do not to cry.

The New Year usually holds the magic of new beginnings for me with fresh journal pages and hope for the future. Instead, I greeted this year with weariness and anxiety, merely turned the page in my current prayer journal, and kept going.

I didn’t know what was wrong.

I couldn’t even figure out what I needed, let alone voice it.

As I approached day 2 of my new devotional, I read the following verse: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1 NIV) What stood out to me were the words, do not let yourselves. These words went round and round in my mind like an old fashioned carousel. Rising to the surface, going back down, bobbing back up… round and round…

Then I began to think of Jesus’ words in Matthew 11… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It made me wonder, what sort of yoke was burdening me?

And why was I letting it happen?

I then turned to a voice of wisdom I trusted – Alli Worthington. Her faith-filled sweet vulnerability and mama-bear-entrepreneur mindset was exactly what I needed. Not knowing Alli personally, and with what felt like a prompting of the Holy Spirit, I began to listen to her book Breaking Busy. All it took was her first story of the panic over her lost phone – I won’t ruin it, but it’s a hilarious anecdote – and I began to smile again. Then, as I continued to listen, wisdom poured straight into my heart.

I realised I have been living at capacity. Or even, capacity overload. Every stolen moment recently had been dedicated to writing and, although the project was good and a total gift from the Lord, it meant that I had missed out on sleep and was bordering, once again, on the edge of burn out.

Am bordering… once again… on the edge of burn out.

See all this has happened in the space of this morning and as I write this, I am still conscious of my breathing. I am at my Worship Desk desperately wanting to write fiction and yet my mind and body are saying ‘no’. My neck is tight. My head is heavy. Which is kind of to be expected since I’ve been awake since 4:30am. And besides an early night to reset my body clock into a healthier sleeping pattern, I don’t actually know what to do.

So I am allowing myself to be. To breathe. To slow down.

With the Christmas decorations now packed away – the very task I was doing while listening to the audiobook – I am now allowing myself to rest. Here. At my Worship Desk.

Once upon a time when I felt frustrated and overwhelmed, I would whisper, “Grace and Wisdom”. It was the prayer of my heart. But now that has changed. Now as I breathe, I am discovering more and more that I want Grace and Freedom. I don’t want to survive beneath the weight of expectation. I don’t want to succumb to hustle culture.

In these weeks before our family life changes completely and I begin to work outside the home for the first time since having children, I am discovering I need to set new rhythms. New rhythms for rest, for relationships, for writing – at a healthier pace. New rhythms that look like grace and freedom.