Christmas seemed heavier with the proposition of a new job. In the space of one week, I spoke to three very different employers, each to whom I had to “sell myself”. As the week ended and I took a step back in my new heeled business shoes, I could see how the process had drained me. The adrenaline was wearing off and I realised I was walking around waiting for someone to talk to me about it. Part of me needed to hash it all out and make a plan moving forward, but the other part of me just desperately needed to feel validated. Each of the employers had complemented my skillset and qualifications, one going as far to say that my CV was impressive. But the more I heard, the more I craved. My thoughts spiralled until I was silently begging, “More, more… feed me more… please, help me feel worthy…”
I wanted validation. I wanted to feel good about myself—my postpartum, heading back into the workforce self. I wanted to feel confident, to present well and be both professional and pretty in the all-black ensemble. (Black is slimming, see…)
But as the weekend unfolded post-interviews, a feeling of uncertainty niggled at me. A question began to stir in my spirit, and I wondered why I cared so much what other people thought. Why did I need validation? Why didn’t I feel good enough just as I was, without needing others to acknowledge it?
So, I began to dig. It was like a weed had sprouted in my heart, and I wanted to find its origins. The root of the issue. I didn’t have to dig for long and there, buried within me, was a complex root system of insecurity. Seeds had been planted there from childhood and adolescence. Lies spoken over me had taken up residence there and over the years had spread and multiplied like wildfire. Lies that told me I was stupid. I was fat. I wasn’t pretty enough. Never slim enough. Never smart enough. Then, to add insult to injury, those lies had led me to some harmful places through my young-adult life and I ended up living out of that place of insecurity, never valuing myself as a daughter of God, and forever looking for love in all the wrong places.
Memories flooded my heart as I remembered that scared high achiever. Always chasing. Never finding. Never resting.
And then I realised, part of her was still here, and her voice was becoming deafening.
Unbidden tears flowed freely as I once again became acquainted with little Elizabeth and all the lies she has carried for far too long.
“Here,” I tell her and take the heavy load from her too-small arms, “you don’t need those anymore.”
She gazes up at me with watery blue eyes and I see the fear in them—she’s wondering if I will throw the lies back at her when she least expects it?
Her chin quivers.
So, I do all I can at that moment – I place the lies aside, and I hold her.
“It’s okay,” I hush, “We will be okay. There will be some rough years ahead, but the best is still to come. And we have Jesus on our side.”
“We do?”
She steps back, watching me curiously, and yet there is still fear written on her face, wondering if I will turn on her at any moment.
And that’s when I remember, she doesn’t know Jesus yet. At least, not the way I do now. No, she only knows what it is to fear God. And her ‘faith’ will still be limited to head knowledge for a long time yet, before it reaches her soon-to-be shattered heart.
I take her small hand in mine and tell her something she really needs to know.
“I love you,” I say gently, “but more importantly, God loves you. So much.”
I want to tell her that God will vindicate her, but it seems a little heavy for one so small. And in this moment, as I connect with my younger self, I know it is true. My Heavenly Father has vindicated me and that is far greater than any validation the world can offer.
Vindication is to ‘justify; to clear from accusation; prove to be real or true’.[i] In other words, vindication is to be deemed worthy. We see that vindication broken down in Ephesians 1—we are loved, chosen, adopted, forgiven, gifted the Holy Spirit, called to have a spirit of praise, and inheritors with Christ.
This is our heritage as a true daughter of God.
Isaiah 54:17 in the Amplified translation states that, “No weapon that is formed against you will succeed; And every tongue that rises against you in judgment you will condemn. This [peace, righteousness, security, and triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And this is their vindication from Me,” says the Lord.
Worldly validation is not enough to satisfy us. We can seek it and it will never be enough. There will always be something debilitating us if we are not rooted in the truth of who we are in Christ.
theworshipdesk.com 
Leave a comment