I just need time to myself, I thought as I folded the laundry. I just need more time… more energy… more sleep… more words on the page…
I began tossing those neat piles into drawers. Call me crazy, but I usually enjoy this part of the laundering process. Usually, it fills me with a strange sense of gratitude that I have tiny clothes to fold at all. But not this day. This day I was bitter about it. Tears sprang to my eyes and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I just needed to write, right? That would make everything better. As I marched through the kitchen to put the tea towels away, I glanced over at my worship desk. I had every intention to keep walking, grab a cuppa and head to bed while my son was finally napping. I once heard someone say, “Don’t quit when you just need to take a nap”. It seemed like the best advice for me to follow in this moment. So, I almost kept walking. Almost. But a small voice was whispering to me, calling me to my desk. Unlike an earthly father who might tell you to go to your room when you are in a mood, my Heavenly One was gently inviting me into His presence. “Daughter, go to your worship desk.”
I figured, it couldn’t hurt. Right? Though part of me even dared to wonder if it would even help…
I quietly prepared communion and laid my throw rug on the kitchen floor beneath my stand-up desk, and I curled up there with my Bible and journal and waited on the Lord. Worship music played through my phone speaker, a random selection of songs that seemed to speak directly to my heart. And there with my toast and glass of juice, I had a picnic with Jesus. I held onto Him in my heart and begged Him to work through the situations that were stealing my joy and stirring up fear.
Sometimes the worship desk is a place of writing as worship and surrendering in obedience to the words He places on my heart. Other times, it’s a safe haven where He meets with me and reveals Himself in new ways. He refreshes my soul here. Whether the words come or not.
I still feel weary, so I will keep coming back to the worship desk. Keep meeting Him and resting in His presence until the words flow or He gently tells me to set down my pen for a while.
And let’s be honest, it would be easier to give up and stop writing all together. But for as long as I feel the pull to my worship desk, I will keep showing up. Because Jesus can handle whatever we bring. Whether that’s the story He has placed on our hearts, or just a whole lot of tears.
‘I’ll never forget what You’ve taught me, Lord, but when I wander off and lose my way, come after me, for I am Your beloved.’PSALM 119:176 (TPT)
Heavenly Father, help me to show up. Even when it’s hard… in Jesus’ name. Amen x