As a boy mum, I have begun to learn the art of building train tracks. It’s incredible how something that comes so naturally to my husband can leave me reeling. But, once it’s done, I am flooded with relief and pride and sit back to watch our son play with his trains. Of course, he likes to play rough. He likes train crashes and to treat Thomas the Tank Engine as though he’s a racing car. The harder my son pushes down, apparently, the faster Thomas will fly…
I watch the track fall to pieces. Cringing.
Frustration brews beneath my skin.
If only there was some magical hairspray that would keep the track in place. That’s when my husband reminds me – this is why serious track builders have a table and glue. Fair to say, we aren’t serious track builders. We are sprawled on the lounge room rug, temporary and unstable snakes and ladders type of track builders. Still, even with our cowboy approach to the art, I still kind of wish I could preserve it. If only for the day.
I had a season of writing that was a bit like this. I had finally found a routine. It still took hard work and sacrifice. I would stay up late and spend time in prayer and communion before sitting down to write. Then, when I needed to, I could catch up on sleep when my toddler napped during the day. If I could just keep this going, I could finish my works-in-progress, I would be mentally and emotionally healthier. If only I could preserve this creative season, I could spend the day completely present because I knew the evening was coming and that meant dream time.
But there is no magical hairspray for life.
And things change.
My son started dropping his naps. No longer could I survive on those few hours sleep at night because I had no opportunity to catch up.
I watched my daily writing routine fall apart.
Frustration simmered beneath the surface of my cool got-it-together façade.
I couldn’t get up any earlier, as it was our house was already awake around twenty past five in the morning. Mornings just weren’t an option. But neither, it seemed, were evenings.
I had wanted to keep my train track just right. Unspoiled. Preserved. I had wanted to keep my evening writing as worship sessions consistent. Unhindered. Purposeful.
What was wrong with that?
Well, do you know what happens when I sit back and genuinely relax, and watch my son play with his trains? I see his imagination unfold. That same imagination that flows through me is alive in him. How beautiful is that? I watch him make-believe and mix various characters together, (this morning, Skye from Paw Patrol and Thomas had quite the confrontation…) and I watch him create his own stories. Much like his mama.
So, today, I am trying something new. I’m trying to embrace this creative environment and bring my writing as worship sessions into it. While he contentedly eats his lunch and has some screen time, instead of wasting time on social media, I came to my desk. The Worship Desk. I read God’s Word, took communion, and prayed, with my son and his YouTube Kids barely a few feet away. Gentle instrumental worship music plays through one of my headphones, while the opposite ear stays alert.
It’s not ideal…
But it doesn’t have to be.
Just like all those times I’m in the parents’ room at church or my “Jesus time” is interrupted by a toddler emergency, I know this season is just that – a season – and it’s more than possible for God to meet me here.
Nothing is impossible with Him.
So even though it’s not ideal and there’s no magical hairspray to keep things just as I like them, I’m going to show up at the Worship Desk. I’m going to posture myself as best as I can with a heart that is grateful and blessed.
Because even in these moments, God is waiting to meet with me. He wants my heart, not my strives for perfection. He wants me to show up even in unideal circumstances.
So for one hour, I will be here at the Worship Desk. If the words come, amazing. If not, I can be still in His presence and know that He is God.
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”HEBREWS 1:6
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”MATTHEW 10:27
Lord, please don’t let me get so caught up in desiring the perfect environment for creative worship. Help me to honor you even in the chaos. Help me to have a grateful heart. Help me to write as worship. In Jesus name, Amen.